WHY DO YOU TRY SO HARD TO LOSE GOOD GIRLS?

Almost 6 years ago at Nakuru some place vehicles have a stop over while going to places in Western Kenya, I met him this girl. After the many hours of deliberation thinking whether I should speak to her or not I finally summoned courage and approached her. 

"Hi, I'm Owen, " she said "Hey Owen, I'm Leila. You know you could have done this when we were at the stage waiting for our bus. "

I couldn't help but laugh, damn, I already had a girlfriend, the first one by the way. 

And for the next 5 years, Leila showed me what "to be loved" is. She gave me life. She was all I ever had at that point. I thought I was all gangster and grown up then cause I had already been in between 5 schools in my high-school life, I don't know how Leila did it but she never missed coming for visiting days at school even if it was just to say "hi" and leave. I later found out that she got expelled for sneaking out of school countless number of times. 

Leila gave me love. She gave me life. She gave me devotion. She gave me belief. Like all I ever looked forward to was school holidays. Yeah, cause that's when we really used to catch up and that's when I was being taught lessons you're never taught by your parents or at school with anyone. 

Leila got married last Saturday. And the groom, well, the groom isn't me. 

Haha. ....I was stupid and played myself majorly this time I played myself. We spoke some 30 days ago, some 2 years after she'd left and that's when I learned of the depth of pain I'd caused this girl when she asked,

 "Did you ever Love me? "

I shared over 5 years of my life with her yet somehow, through my actions, I'd made her doubt everything in the 5 years.

Yesterday mom asked me, 

"And where's Leila? "

 She lamented that Leila hadn't spoken to her in a month. 

"Is everything okay? " she asked. 

Long after she'd broken up with me, thus girl was still checking up on my mama. I almost broke down when mum said that if I fail to marry Leila, then it would be equivalent to loosing my purpose  in life

"what you two have isn't something I'd wanna see end."

How do you tell your mum that you lost the girl who helped her sweep her 'lwanyi/pap'(field)?? the girl that brought her lipstick, hair spray and 'sampoo' from the city?? How??? 

And boy I've suffered for it, depression, I mean how is she happy with someone that's not me? When I heard that she had moved in with his NOW husband, I called her. 

"Please, Leila, Please, just one more chance, please.. "

And this time I meant it. But I must have been too late. 

She said 

"Ed, we had 5 years together. You had enough time to change but never did. Why do you think I should beleive that you'll change now? It's done"

So soulmates get over you after all? 

I think the hardest part about it is knowing that people will love you, but not with her intensity and honesty. Not with the fear she had. The fear of losing you. That's the safety you felt will never be there. That you'll matter to some girl, but not with a similar passion.... 

ARE RELATIONSHIPS REALLY NECESSARY?

You know what I really pray for you over? That whatever you're in right now calling a "relationship" doesn't become the only one you get to experience before you decide to settle down in life. I mean, are this even relationships? They are more of experiments than actual relationships cause what they always consist of is you checking who texted last, who called last, who paid for what last, food, electricity bill bla bla bla.... I just want you to fucking experience love. Like someone who genuinely likes you for you and not what you do for them. 

You know I'm still in school so I get to interact and see a lot of things and learn. What I see most of my guys on there hanging onto, even as a corpse😂 I wouldn't find myself in. And you'd be really puzzled finding out what keeps them there. The need to belong. The need to fit in. The need to feel loved. Bro, I just wish you get a girl that loves you. You'll learn to value yourself more. You won't have to do all those foolish things just for sex. I pray you get loved bro. 

I've been around girls bruised, hearts stepped on to paste by some nigga but they're just there having to coax love out of a boy. Trying to sanitize rejection with "all men cheat" "as long as he comes back to me... I'm aight"....They've become expert miners. Trying to mine love where there's nothing. Nothing that is near the word love. I hope you get to be loved by someone who doesn't need reminding. 

And when you don't get that love we all crave for, I just hope you atleast get that courage to leave. Leave that bitch bro. Leave that dumb nigga sis. You deserve better. I hope you don't find yourself having some foolish thoughts, telling yourself stuff like "If she/he cheats, we cheat.... " like, fuck it. How do you dish out your dignity, slice by slice trying to get back at someone? Someone you just met? That's a competition of fools. A brothel of trauma. You'll find grace. Learn to leave people behind. Love yourself a little bit more. You'll fucking be okay. Most of y'all survived over 18 years single. Why waste the peak of your youth stressing over something that isn't a necessity? LEARN TO LEAVE PEOPLE BEHIND. 

You ever looked at a friends relationship and was like,  "Huyu mbona anjichukia hivi lakini? " 

The insults. 

The embarrassment. 

The violence. 

All I wanna ask is "WHY ARE YOU AFRAID OF BEING ALONE? "

WHERE THE F*** IS THIS PLACE?

Joining campus had to be one of the few things that I really looked forward to in life cause who doesn't know how "campus life" is always praised by everyone so I just wanted to get in there and represent my family cause my mother never really made it to campus cause I happened 😂. I was that much of a serious student in high school so no one really expect this dumb nigga would make it to the university but, joke was on them. So there I was, Maseno University, representing the few people in my circle who actually managed to continue studying. I was accompanied by my mom who was happy af for me and for herself cause wueh, getting me here wasn't that easy. If she's still breathing now, she's a tough woman cause I gave that woman hell as a teen-ager. 

We were dropped off at the university main gate by a relative who saw it well to get me there cause I really was carrying a lot of stuff. So mum helped me carry my bucket and we walked that long ass stretch from the university main gate to some Hall where we were to get admitted. There is where everything started and I knew this place isn't for the faint hearted, after queuing for over 1 hour and finally reaching the admissions desk, I'm told that I'm in the wrong hall. "This isn't your school. People taking arts course are in Hindocha hall" mehn, I nearly lost it but I just left for Hindocha hall. I just had to be happy cause before coming to school I had just watched Grownish and I had this dope ass imagination of how life here would be. Little did I know😂😂.

So as I was saying, my mom gave me all my documents(which actually were just some bunch of papers cause) then I qued up with some few guys, I think there were like only 20 people ahead of me. That's outside the hall. I thought I'd be done in 20 minutes. I didn't know the kind of shock that was waiting for me when I entered that hall😂.There were over 800 people clogged in that hall. 

When I was outside the hall, I scanned the other people and in my head I was like, atleast I'm among the top 10 best dressed so esteem shot up and confidence was at 100.When I stepped in that hall, I couldn't see the difference between me and some resident in South Mugirango ward in KisiiCounty cause wueh nilikuwa nimechapa bana😂 (I'll look for those snaps). 

I composed myself cause I really wasn't a fan of bug crowds. But I was at that time scanning, surveying looking for someone, a catch cause I was told that girls in campus are always ready for anything. I mean they survived all those nights horny but on their books knowing people like "ME" their "sexual compadres" were here. I eventually saw one girl, damn that girl was pretty af and I just had to make my move cause the way every nigga on there was looking at her I just had to risk it better to try and get rejected that fail to and die a Coward. I gathered my thought, and left the line to go say hi. 

"Niaje, naitwa Owen and you look nice. I'd really want us to hang out after we done with all this. "

I'm telling you guys, the attitude I was hit with, I promised myself from that time that the only female I'll ever love is that woman who brought me to campus. My mum. Girl just blew those air bubble thing cool girls blow in movies when chewing gum before hitting me with a cold 

"Cheki, ukiniona nakaa niko na time yako? Please just leave cause you being here really makes me uncomfortable ......"

The funny part is that the dude who was going to be my roommate heard that bitch tearing my ass to shreds and not only him, there were like 40 people keenly watching how dumb I was making myself look. Si nakuambia kuchekwa nilichekwa sikuwa naona kaa ntawai recover. I just had to carry my looser ass out of that place cause I was to die of embarrassment. I went back out sat with my mom for sometime atleast someone whose love I didn't have to chase so as to recharge my esteem again. 

Went back in the hall after 30 minutes to complete the admission process but that wasn't even the end of my misfortunes on that day😂;my over 30 papers weren't bounded together. This fine chille was passing by and said "hi" and waved at me and I was stuck between saying "hey" and waving back. My hand reacted. I waved back, by the time I realised, the hand that waved back was carrying 30 pieces of paper and there was not a single paper in that hand. PANIC MODE. Some papers were being stepped on some were blown across the room with the wind, like mehn, by the time I'm getting all my papers theres no one at the admissions desk. 

I was now a pro looser. I mastered the art of loosing so well I think it's because I'm an arsenal fan. My bad luck streak started cause of some girl that I thought.... Anyways. Lakini juu God ni mkuu,  the Dean was passing by and saw my stranded and naive ass. He just told me to tag along and I accompanied him to his office where he quickened the process and I was admitted in the Maseno university eventually. But my mum just had to be African. That's when she now decided its time for that talk. Sex talk. I was given that talk for over 40 minutes and there were people around. Not just people, people that would later on that week be my class mates. Never been that embarassed. I was escorted with my luggage to VET farm hostels(current nile hostels) . Fuck that place was extra far but anyway nikaachiwa some few thousands like the tycoons child I am😂(which btw never even got to see the sun cause nilisanywa that very night) 

So there I am in my hostel, I know no one in that place and I'm just staring at them like a zombie so I decide to take a stroll. Guess who I bump into, yeah. Damn right. That cold ass bitch who fucking humiliated me infront of over 100 people. Mehn, I was so ashamed to pass her so I just turned back to go back to my room. Mnajua rejection nyinyi kweli? 

"Owen.... Chill.... " at first, I thought I was dreaming so I decided to look back imagine she was calling me. I turned back to confirm if it was me she was calling and yeah, it was me she was calling. 

"Look" she said "I know I was kinnda rude and that wasn't cool. I couldn't talk to you at that time cause my brother was just around and my boyfriend tagged along too. So I'm sorry I was a bitch and before you say anything, let's go have food at my place cause I have no roommate and it's kind of boring "

Say whaatttt, I was dumb struck. In my mind I was like "Boom, mfs, I just hit the jackpot. Jokes on you if you fucking laughed at me.... I'm not a looser after all... " so we walked to her place some hostels I think they were the New Sunrise hostels, we joked about this campus shit and had snacks. Time flew and by the time I checked my phone it's 11:14pm and there's someone knocking the door... What I can tell y'all is that that day was the worst day in campus. You can't imagine who was at the door and why tf they were there........ (To be continued) 

My Little Love Diary(Chapter 1)

He was just like a little kid who couldn't stay still and needed to always do something. At first it had been one of the things that attracted me to him, then his childish innocence and laughter. How he was spontenous and looked so handsome when he smiled. His usual phrase was "Let's try this", it could be a dish, a new sex position, a new joint or anything  that caught his attention at the moment. He helped me love and live life a little more. I had met him at a point in my life where I was done with anything that smelled like a man but Jared, oh Jared. He had come like the light after the dark and I was in love with his light. We would make jokes and laugj at each other and with each other. Ours was like a friendship blessed with abandunt love. We never went to bed angry and we apologized to each other before things got out of hand. He was my perfect match if I could call him that. I remember how he would open doors for me, move my chair when we went out on dates, help me do my hair and wipe my make up off after a long day. He was the sweetest dude and I reciprocated his love in great deals as well. I loved Jared like my life. He felt like home and I did everything for him. He loved surprises so i surprised him a lot. I would get him lovely things when I went to shop, book him hair appointments and mani-pedi sessions. I would read up a new recipe and whip out something lovely to eat because my man loved a good meal. He loved to read as well and since I loved reading too, we spent a great deal on books. Sometimes we read two books together simultaneously in our bid to finish them fast and get started with new ones. 

Our relationship was moving smoothly till he PROPOSED. We had talked about it, not so seriously but we joked a lot about the number of kids we wanted and how our wedding would be, we often joked about running off to an island to go get married with nobody but the priest as witness. We laughed as I imagined the shock that our families faces would be full of when they discover a wedding commenced without them. But the day he proposed, I didn't know what to say. I really wasn't ready. I turned him down and asked for more time.  "I need to be ready. I don't really think I'm prepared for this....... " I started explaining to Jared. My Golden man. I could see the hurt in his eyes when I said NO. How would he understand i wasn't ready because  was Scared? 

I was too scared of what would become of us AFTER.There were things he didn't know about me and every-day I still hury knowing that there were things was hiding from him. His life was like a bare book to me and I knew all about him

"Rose, you're subotaging your own happiness. I don't get you sometimes " my sister Ivy said over the phone. She was smitten by Jared and I. I mean who wasn't? He was amazing and what Ivy called "every womans dream".Ivy knew about my failed marriage. It hadn't lasted upto a year when Ted started hitting me making me loose our babies twice. I had loved that man a lot but after that last beating that left me almost deaf with all the slaps and kicking, I fled. The divorce had been fast as my parents threatened to have him locked up if he tried to put up a fight. It had been tough. I was 25 then and single all over again. 

I had focused on my job, myself and chasing God. That's when Jared came along. It was like a surprise gift. But how can I ruin something so beautiful? I wondered and sighed. After I turned down his proposal over a month ago, he had still been good to me. So when he asked me to come over for dinner at his place, I made up my mind to tell him what I had been hiding. I owed him the truth atleast. Dinner had been great and after I was cuddled next to him, I told him all my fears. 

"Is that why you don't want a loud wedding? " He asked.I smiled and nodded. He held up my face and said in his soothing voice, "I won't promise you a perfect home, I won't promise you that I will never hurt you as I will unintentionally hurt you on some days but I promise to always choose you every-day no matter what. And I won't even think about hitting you. " I felt that. Tears stung my eyes. I tried hard not to cry. We had started kissing slowly and that's when he slid a ring out of his back pocket and asked

"Rose, will you marry me..... "

I was just deaf. I was numb. From the shock. When I recovered, I shouted YES. 

I texted Ivy that we had a wedding to plan. But was it a wedding? Nah, more of a funeral... 

(To be continued.....)